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Dog Letters to God Get a Dog If a Dog Were Your Teacher Inner Strength New Chapter of Genesis People Look Like Dogs Puppies for Sale Riddles	Rite of Passage Rules for Dogs Rules for Non-Pet-Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About the Pets Screening Process Seeking Companionship Service with a Smile	Shih Tzu Wisdom Things I Must Remember as a Dog Why Dogs Don't Talk You Are a True Dog Person If...
Dog Tricks A guy walks into a talent agency with a dog, and says "I've got a great act...my dog can actually talk." "Surrrre he can," replies the talent agent, "prove it." So the fellow asks the dog, "What is on top of a building?" "Roof, roof!" the dog replies. "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough, rough!" the dog replies. The talent agent starts to get impatient as the man asks his dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth, Ruth!" says the dog. Finally the agent becomes fed up and kicks the pair out of his office. Once outside, the dog looks up at his master and says, "Should I have said DiMaggio?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inner Strength If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things, Then you are probably the family dog. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about pets. 1. The dog lives here. You don't. 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. **Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- back to top
You Are a True Dog Person if ...... ~ You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose- prints all over the inside. ~ Your dog sleeps with you. ~ You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. ~ You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. ~ The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work. ~ Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other. ~ You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands. ~ Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course). ~ You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't. ~ You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their child. ~ You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable. ~ You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie ~ back to top You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you. ~ You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out. ~ You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water. ~ You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!"; over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story). ~ You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore. ~ Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. ~ Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog. ~ back to top You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog. ~ You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's) ~ You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get. ~ You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog some extra minutes in the morning before work. ~ You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk. ~ You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog. ~ Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog. ~ Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days). ~ You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor). ~ You never completely finish a piece of food (so your dog gets a taste, too). ~ You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots. ~ You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta. ~ You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog. ~ You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human. And the number one way you know you're a dog person: ~ Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site. Specific authors unknown as this is a compilation by many dog lovers Your grandchildren call your dog “Uncle Angel.” Your Christmas tree is decorated with dogs. Your dog gives Christmas presents to all your friends and relatives. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get a Dog back to top If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Get a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you Get a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it Get a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want Get a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a darn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies Get a dog. If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores Get a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually Get a dog. But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness. Then my friend, Get a cat! back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People Look Like Dogs
Some people say that folks look like their dogs. Do you believe that? This picture came in Ilene's e-mail and she let us use it. We don't know who took it. If you know who took it, let us know and we will give them credit. Thanks Emilie for sending them.
Maggie says this kid and his friend must have both been in a fight.
Another one! back to top
If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. And finally, never trust anyone until you sniff their butt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things I MUST remember as a dog: back to top 1) The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2) I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3) I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 4) I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. 5) I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 6) I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 7) I will not throw up in the car. 8) I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 9) "Kitty box crunchies" although they are tasty, are not food. 10) I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. 11) The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 12) I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell. 13) I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. 14) When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. 15) We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. 16) I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. 17) The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and dad's laps. 18) My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 19) I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration. 20) I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 21) I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt. 22) I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath. 23) Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way to say hello. 24) I will not hump a person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do. 25) I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head. 26) I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 27) The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. 28) I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. 29) Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room. 30) The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rite of Passage back to top Some of the most poignant moments I spend as a veterinarian are those spent with my clients assisting the transition of my animal patients from this world to the next. When living becomes a burden, whether from pain or loss of normal functions, I can help a family by ensuring that their beloved pet has an easy passing. Making this final decision is painful, and I have often felt powerless to comfort the grieving owners. That was before I met Shane. I had been called to examine a ten-year-old blue heeler named Belker who had developed a serious health problem. The dog's owners - Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane - were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt Shane could learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me - I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody and being nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, animals already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." By Robin Downing, D.V.M -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quotes About Dogs back to top ========== "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -Franklin P. Jones "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill "In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." --Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shih Tzu Wisdom back to top A shih tzu went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof, woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof." The clerk looked at the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that wouldn't make any sense at all!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dogs Letters to God back to top Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? . Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! . Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? . Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? . Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on- ramps? . Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? . Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. . Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? . Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? . Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street! . Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? . Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? . Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they pour fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? . Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem. . Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does Petsmart sell lie detectors? . From Pets' letters to God, Mark Bricklin translator -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Puppies for Sale back to top A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 20 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then, reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up.... "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Chapter of Genesis Discovered back to top A newly discovered archaeological artifact from the ancient site of Dothan in the holy land appears to be a missing chapter in the Book of Genesis which, when translated answers the question "Where do pets come from?" Scholars have determined that this chapter belongs between the current Genesis 3 and 4. Following is a translation of this newly discovered document. Translation: Genesis 4: 1. Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." 2. And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." 3. And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. 4. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." 5. And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG." 6. And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. 7. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. 8. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." 9. And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." 10. And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. 11. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility. 12. And God was pleased. 13. And Adam was greatly improved. 14. And Dog was happy. 15. And the cat didn't care one way or the other." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules for dogs back to top 1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only! 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Screening Process back to top The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeking Companionship back to top The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls... SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Dogs Don't Talk back to top They do not know what is meant by yesterday or today; they leap about, eat, rest. digest, leap about again, and so from morn till night and from day to day, fettered to the moment and its pleasure or displeasure, and thus neither melancholy nor bored….A human being may well ask an animal: “Why do you not speak to me of your happiness but only stand and gaze at me?” The animal would like to answer, and say, “The reason is I always forget what I was going to say” – but then he forgets this answer too, and stays silent. Friedrich Nietzsche essay “The Uses and Disadvantages of History for Life.” 1876 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Service with a Smile A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night? An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes or silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too. By Karl Alabrecht and Ron Zenke Service America back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riddles What dog does not bark, no matter what you do to him? A hot dog Why is a hot dog the best dog? Because it doesn’t bite the hand that feeds it but feeds the one that bites it. When it rains cats and dogs, what do you step into? A poodle What did the frankfurter say when the dog bit him? It’s a dog eat dog world What dog has money? A bloodhound because he always picks up cents (scents) What kind of dog hangs around bowling alleys? A setter A dog was tied to a 15 foot rope, but he walked 30 feet. How come? The rope wasn’t tied to anything What did the dog say when it was scratched by the cat? Nothing. Dogs can’t talk. Why couldn’t the dog catch his tail? Because it’s hard to make ends meet these days Why did the dog run around in circles? Because he was a watch dog and wanted to wind himself up What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo If you cross a dog and an egg, what would you get? A pooched egg What would you get if you crossed a dog and a waffle? A woofle How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Make him sit up front What dog eats and drinks with its tail? All do. No dog takes off its tail when eating or drinking back to top What is the difference between a dog and peanut butter? A dog doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth. Why is Lassie like a comet? They are both stars with tails What kind of flower does Lassie like? Collie flower What is the difference between a dog and a gossip? One has a wagging tail and the other a wagging tongue Why does a dog wag his tail? Because no one else will wag it for him Why do dogs scratch themselves? They are the only ones who know where it itches Why are there no psychiatrists for dogs? Everyone knows dogs aren’t allowed on couches When is a black dog not a black dog? When it’s a greyhound Why are dogs poor dancers? They have two left feet Why can’t a dog ride a bike? He doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell Why did the dog paint himself all different colors? So he could hide in the crayon box What should you do if your dog swallows a book? Take the words out of his mouth What happened when the dog swallowed the watch? He got a lot of tics Where to dogs go when they lose their tails? To a retail store What dog is religious? A prairie dog How can you keep a barking dog quiet? With hush puppies What gun does a police dog use? A dogmatic How does a hot dog speak? back to top Frankly Why does a dog have fur? If it didn’t, it would be a little bear (bare) Where do young country dogs sleep? In a pup tent What is a dog catcher? A Spot remover Dogs have fleas. What do sheep have? Fleece Why are dogs like trees? They both have barks Why was the mother flea so sad? Her children were going to the dogs Why is a dog like a penny? It has a head o one side and a tail on the other What is the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut When is a man like a dog? When he is a boxer If 6 children and 2 dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet? back to top Because it wasn’t raining What pet is always found on a floor? A carpet Why does a dog chasing a rabbit resemble a bald-headed man? He makes a little hare (hair) go a long way What does a dog get when it graduates from dog school? A pedigree Why did the dog sleep on his watch? He wanted to be on time When are dogs smartest? During the day, because when the sun shines, everything is brighter Why did the dog take a ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept What dog can jump higher than a house? All of them. A house can’t jump! You know what we did on Father's Day? We sent cards to our paws!! (Chris told us that joke! Do you get it?) back to top ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^